I am broken...

RIVER OF LIFE LESSON: JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS BROKEN DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NO GOOD.

My "River of Life Lesson" is borrowed but I am embracing it as a life philosophy because it fits me. From Maggie by Charles Martin, "Just because something is broken doesn't mean it's no good. Doesn't mean you throw it away.  It just means it's broken, and broken is okay. I wanted to tell her that broken is still beautiful, still works, still wakes me in the morning, and at the end of every day past and to come, I can love broken."

I realized recently that I am broken. It wasn't the first time but it was the most aware of my brokenness I have been in a while.  Swallowed by grief, I would daily drive home from work with deafening silence. For months, the ride home had been filled with joyful light-hearted conversation with the love of my life. It was the same routine every day and it never tired. Before I opened my car door to head home, my hands were already dialing his number.  We shared our day together over the phone and planned again to talk at bedtime.

I sincerely did not know what to do with myself without him.  So I cried all the way home every day for months. At times I wondered if people on the Parkway thought I was on drugs or crazy but I didn't care. Grief trumps pride...at least in my book it did.

At one point I was having a conversation simultaneously with both God and the man I loved. I knew God could hear me but I wasn't positive about the other but I didn't care. It made me feel better to talk to him because it had become part of my life...part of who I was.

Finally, I cried out to the Lord. "I know you love me and have my best interest at heart. I know you have my kid's best interest at heart. Although I don't understand why he had to die, I know you know best BUT WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH ALL THIS PAIN?" In the quiet, through my tears, the Father spoke. "Pam, all your life all you have done is minimized your pain, made excuses for your pain, and denied your pain. Why don't you, for now, just be a  mess. I don't love you any less."  At that moment I began to let myself off the hook from being some super hero Christian who has it all together and just be broken.

God has used broken people since the beginning of time to carry His message. Think about Moses, David, Jonah, and Paul. We are all broken in some capacity but sometimes the circumstances of life cause a bigger crack than others. But the Father is in the business of mending and reconciliation.  He is making something beautiful out of our mess.

So I am thankful for the reminder from my most recent read that I am broken but I am okay.  Not only am I okay but I am still beautiful, I still work. and I can still be loved.  Mind you when I say I am beautiful, there is no vain idea there. However, I trust that because my heart is occupied by  Christ, He makes me beautiful.